Communication

Communicating with others is a vital skill to have, and something we all need to improve. It isn’t something that we master as soon as we can speak, but rather something we need to be working on continually. In marriage, communication is especially important in order to have a strong relationship. We may think that we are being clear in our communicating, but others might not think we are, so how so we best communicate?

First, it is important to understand the three media of communication. The main one that we all think of is through our words, but this only accounts for 14% of understanding what is being communicated. We have all received, or even sent, a message which was taken other than how it was intended. This most likely occurs because our words are just words, they don’t have the other two media of communication to help the receiver understand our message.

 The next way is through our tone. This accounts for 35% of our intended message. This accounts for more than our words, because based on the tone we use, our message could even be the opposite of what our words are saying. Instead of using our words we often use the tone in our voice to portray our actual meaning.

The third media of communication is nonverbal. This accounts for 51% of the communication. We all know that look our parents give us to tell us not to do something. . .  that is an example of nonverbal communication. It is amazing how much we can pick up about a person based on their nonverbal communication. We are able to recognize if they are angry, sad, embarrassed, confused, and much more just by the looks they give.

All three of these ways of communicating help us to understand what people are saying to us. The tone in someone’s voice will override the message we receive based solely on words and the nonverbal cues will override the message we get from the tone that was used. An example of this is the famous “I'm fine.” If we took the message only as words, then we would assume that the person doesn’t have anything going on that they are troubled with. But if they said it with a tone of sarcasm, then we would pick up that they are actually not fine. Taking that a step further, if they were to use their nonverbal cues by putting their head down, or even frowning, then we would be able to pick up that they have something bothering them or making them sad. With each added form of communicating we were able to better understand what the person was really saying.

So how do we best communicate with others? Listening is one of the most important factors in communication. If we aren’t listening to what the other person has to say, then we can end up causing more problems. Arguments can become especially harsh very quickly if we aren’t careful, but if treated the right way, we are able to strengthen our understanding. In those situations, we need to first find truth in what the other person is saying. This can be agreeing that you did something wrong, but it can also be a simple thing like agreeing that the situation at hand is hard for them. The next thing is to summarize what the other person is saying and to acknowledge how the person is feeling, in order to show them that you are hearing them. After all, we all like to feel like we are being heard. After you have done this, you ask a question to better understand their stance instead of assuming everything.

After you have taken the steps to better understand the other person, you can help them better understand your side. You do this through an “I feel . . .” statement.  “When you (situation/event), I feel (emotion), because (your thought.)” You then end with something you would like to come from this understanding. “I would like (your want/wish/hope).” After all of this you need to make sure you are showing respect, care, or even warmth for the other person.

As we practice recognizing the forms of communication people use, as well as take the steps of better understanding the other person through our own words and actions, then we will be able to strengthen our relationships and increase our ability to beneficially communicate with those around us!

Dealing with Stress

Everyone experiences stress. Like me right now. At the moment I am trusting my friend to do my hair using straws. Yes straws to make my hair curly, but since my hair is so short, it will be an afro. But it’s fine, because what’s life without a little adventure, right?!? All joking aside, stress can either make or break you. As college students we often face stress every day. From paying for school, housing, managing our time, getting good grades, and on top of that we are told that we need to have social life so we can find the one we’re supposed to marry. But no pressure. Once we do get married and have families of our own, that stress only increases, now instead of providing only for yourself, you have to provide for your new family as well.

So why do we have stress? Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, so surely, he doesn’t want us to experience this right? Well even though it is hard for us in the moment our life is for the better because of it. Imagine if you never did anything hard, if you didn’t have to work a little harder for something. Our learning would be stagnant. We wouldn’t progress. Just like we are taught in the scriptures, we would know no joy because we would know no misery.

Coping is the way that we deal with stress in our lives. It is when we take the opportunity to learn and grow. When you cope with stress as a family then you can actually become stronger and closer together because of it. However, our instinct isn’t always to keep moving forward. Instead we try to avoid the problem till it’s over, which it never really will. We often shut down and try not to think about it. This is often when depression comes into play.

We have all, in some way or another, experienced a little bit of depression. The three biggest things that we tell ourselves if we are depressed is; 1, no one loves me. 2, Life is horrible. 3, Nothing is going to change. Satan knows how to tear us down. He tells us those lives. He tells us we aren’t good enough, that no one cares for us, and that we will always be stuck with that seemingly horrible life. But what if we could change that?

First think of a stressful even that you have had in your life, and then think of a specific time that you were weighed down by that event. Now think of the emotions that you had in that specific moment. Did you feel sad, angry, worthless, upset, hurt, frustrated, anxious, etc.? Now think of what you were telling yourself in that time. Were you telling yourself that you aren’t good enough, that you are a horrible person, etc.? We often have so many thoughts running through our heads that we don’t realize all of the lies that we are telling ourselves. Next, give each statement a percentage on how much you believe that to be true. Now ask yourself a few questions such as: What would you say to a friend with those thoughts? What alternatives might there be? What is the evidence against this view? And, how would you see this if you were not depressed? After you have answered one or more of those questions to each of your previous thoughts, give each answer a percentage on how much you believe the alternative.

Often times these steps help us put our feelings and thoughts into perspective. It can give us hope to keep moving forward, and the opportunity to prevent those thoughts in the future because we now recognize them as the lies, they are. The last step that you take in this little quiz is to then rate how much you believe your original thoughts. Often times we don’t feel the previous emotions as strongly and we are better able to move forward. So when dealing with stress in your life, just remember that you will be able to work through it, and as you do, you will actually be able to become a better, stronger person because of it!

Infidelity and How to Prevent it in Your Marriage

When people think of infidelity, they often think that it only happens if you are having sexual relations with someone other than your spouse, but that isn’t true. In fact there are four different types of infidelity, and better knowing what they are can help you with your current or future relationships.

            The main one that everyone thinks about when they hear infidelity is Sexual Affair. This is when they are sexually involved with a partner other than their own spouse. People often think that this just happens when one spouse doesn’t feel like they are getting the attention from the other that they would like, but that isn’t necessarily true. Satan is very real and powerful, and as we are taught in the scriptures, he knows that the best way to get us to do wrong is by getting us to do small insignificant acts which will later lead to the bigger wrong. If we apply this to infidelity, then we can recognize that there are often many different acts, often other types of affairs, that lead to Sexual ones.

            The second type of infidelity that I am going to talk about is Emotional Infidelity. Emotional/ Fantasy Infidelity can happen in many different ways. Overall it is fantasizing another life with someone other than your spouse, real or fictional. You might be just as shocked as I was to read the tail end of that sentence, so let me explain. If you are a girl like me that loves to read a good, (clean), romance, then you have maybe thought about how you wish you could find someone like that character you are reading about. This doesn’t seem like it would be harmful, but it can be. When you think too much about the good qualities of another person, even if they are a fictional character, then you tend to create unrealistic expectations for your spouse to be like.

Another big way for Emotional/ Fantasy Infidelity to happen is through social media. In today’s age we think that we need to stay caught up in the lives of everyone we ever knew, but this can be a dangerous game. If you are finding excuses to spend more time with someone either face to face, or over text, then you are having an emotional affair. This is because when you do this you are confiding in someone other than your spouse, which will lead to a break in your oneness as a couple. In a world where it so easy to just send someone a quick text, we need to make sure we are conscious about how much time we are spending with someone other than our spouse.

            The third type is Visual Affair. This is when you are participating in any form of Pornography. This includes actual images found on the internet, magazine, or movie, as well as any song or book that arouses sexual feelings. Many people believe that it is okay to flirt a little with people other than their spouse, but it is not. You are breaking down boundaries when you do so and making it easier to take the next step that Satan would have you take.

The last one is Romantic Affair. This is when they tr y to leave the monotony of everyday life by basically creating a ‘second’ one. People do this when they try and change what goes on in their life without really changing it at all and instead just avoiding what goes on in your day to day life, but even though it appears to be fun or exciting, that it actually leaves you feeling more disappointment in their life.

            Many believe that we are safe from infidelity as long as we are devoted to our spouses, but that isn’t true. If we don’t take precautions, then it could happen to anybody. So what can we do to prevent it? Most of the things are very simple, such as making sure you don’t ride alone with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse., not finding excuses to spend time with someone other than your spouse, and not sharing intimate conversation with someone other than your spouse, which will help you stay away from emotional attachment. Be careful about the things you watch, read and even listen to, and as you do, you will be able to have a strong, healthy, and fulfilling marriage!

Keeping Your Marriage Strong Through Hard Times

Everyone at least knows someone who has gotten divorced, but most know many and even have someone close to them that has been divorced. There are many things that happen in marriage that can cause contention, but the good news is that many of them can have positive outcomes instead of negative ones. In studies with married couples, it was found that the couple rates very high in marital satisfaction, and then an event causes that satisfaction to go down. What might that event be? Having their first child. Now wait don’t think that you don’t need to read any further because you can prevent that from simply not having kids at all.

Not only are we commanded to have kids, but if we choose to have kids then we are truly making the world a better place. This is because kids born in healthy home environments are better neighbors, spouses, and coworkers. They even help in the workplace, because when there are more young people in the workplace then we are better able to pay for the older generation, and they will be able to retire more easily. Now that we have established that having kids is a good thing to do, lets discuss why that satisfaction goes down, and how we can keep our marital satisfaction high even with having kids.

Like I said, after the first child is born, it has been statistically proven that the marital satisfaction goes down after their first child is born. After a time that satisfaction levels out, but then goes down and then levels out again with each additional child. Their marital satisfaction seems to be leveled off after their last child, and then goes up and then levels off as each child leaves the home. Here is an image to help you visualize!

So why does the child cause the satisfaction to go down? Well to start off, a child is a lot of work. All of a sudden both the mother and the father have a lot more work to take on, and if they couple isn’t careful then they tend to compare workloads and complain about the other not doing enough. With the new child the mother tends to show her love to the baby more than the husband, so he feels left out, and out of place.

But don’t worry, since we know what things can cause the marital satisfaction to go down with each child, we can know what to do to make it go up rather than down. The first thing that wives can do, is to keep the husband involved in pre-natal and post-natal check-ups. The mother is able to become so close to the child that she is carrying, but the father can too if given the opportunity. One way to do this is letting the father feel the baby kick when you do. Let him bond with child in the same way that you do. Once the baby is born, share the parenting tasks, bad and good. This can helps the father to feel involved! The second thing you can do is to make sure to be careful in how you discuss your concerns and worries. If you do it constructively then you are able to understand each other better. But also make sure that you are letting your spouse know what they are doing good, not just what they are doing wrong. In other words, show gratitude for things you appreciate them contributing. The last thing that I feel is very important to keep your marital satisfaction high, is to take time with each other. Still plan regular dates together so that you can truly let your spouse know your love for them.

By taking these simple steps we are able to change the outcomes of our marriage and become closer together. We don’t have to just accept trends the way they are, but rather if we work towards it, then we can change the trends of marriage for the better!

The Importance of Dating

Everyone has been on those awkward dates before. You go on a date and neither of you can decides on what to do. Once you finally do decide on something to do, neither of you have anything to say to the other. So why go on dates in the first place? What is considered to be an actual date, what is the purpose, and what should you be doing on a date?

First let’s talk about what makes a date a date. To help you remember we will use the ‘Three P’s’. The very first thing that should happen for a date to be date is for it to be ‘Planned.’ Like I said earlier, nothing is more awkward, as well as frustrating, then to go on a date just find out that you aren’t actually doing anything. By having the date planned you are showing the person that you value their time and that you actually appreciate them accepting the offer to go on the date.

The second ‘P’ is for the date to be ‘Paired off’. There is nothing wrong with a group date in fact I personally believe that they are more fun, simply because then you have the opportunity to get to know more people. But having the date paired off is very important because then you know who you have responsibility for.

The last ‘P’ is ‘Paid for.’ Now I am a person that feels guilty whenever someone buys something for me and would rather just pay for myself, but I also see the importance of having the date paid for. By paying for the date, just like pairing off, you are showing that you are taking responsibility for your date.

When going on a date you need to be doing things that help you to get to know that person. Along with that, you should go on a variety of different dates with a variety of different people. The overall purpose of dating is to prepare you for marriage and find what qualities you would like in a future spouse. By limiting your dating to one person you aren’t able to realize qualities that that would be important to you in a future spouse. Going on dates also helps you gain good social skills, build healthy relationships, and over all create healthy habits to carry with you into marriage.

To be more specific, how do the ‘Three P’s’ help with fulfilling your roles in marriage? In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” we are told that the roles of a husband are to Provide, Preside, and Protect. When a guy plans a date, he is practicing his role to preside. This is because he is taking charge of the date and knows how to be a leader. Paring off also helps with their role of presiding because he is learning how to be responsible for another person, which is also practicing the role of protector. The last one, having the date paid for, helps the man to practice providing for his future family and teaches him to work hard to have the means to provide for that family.

But don’t worry, the roles of the wife and mother are also being practiced while dating. As women, we have the role to nurture. We can practice this on a date by being courteous to our date in showing appreciation for their efforts of putting together the date. Now this doesn’t mean that the roles of providing, or showing interest lie entirely on one gender. In fact, girls can and should ask guys on dates as well. This can prepare us to work together in a relationship and not make it one sided in effort.

By going on wholesome dates, you truly are preparing for marriage. The way you date is actually practice in which you are creating habits that you will take with you into marriage. You can either create good habits or bad ones, so make sure that while you are on a date you are uplifting one another to be the best you can be!

The Divine Roles of Men and Women

We have had it drilled into our minds that we need to have equality, that we are all the same, and that you are wrong to think otherwise. Now when it comes to men and women there are things that we should be equal in, but what we truly need to understand is that equal doesn’t mean the same. Let me explain.

Equality means that you have equal opportunities. We want women to be able to get an education just as much as we want men to. We want women to be respected just as much as men are. But in this fight for equality the world has actually tried to make us the same but have also in a way tried to make women superior to men. But we know this is wrong. We are taught in the church that men and women have distinct divine roles, and should work side by side (be equal). It wasn’t surprising to see that studies done to show differences aligned with what we are taught in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Studies have shown that even as young kids boys and girls are different. Girls are more likely to do types of play where they are able to be nurturers (play house and be mothers). They are also more likely to go for toys such as dolls and dress up. Boys on the other hand are more likely to do types of play that physical and aggressive. They tend to go more for toys such as guns and action figures.

But how does what they tend to do as children emulate the roles they are meant to take on? Just like how little girls like playing with dolls by taking care of them, women have the role of nurturing. The boys learning to be aggressive and competitive prepares them for the role of taking charge of presiding, providing for, and protecting their family. We need to embrace these different roles that men and women have, because each has something special to offer.

One way that we are diminishing those roles is by making women in the workplace a priority over being a stay at home mom. We have fought so hard to be able to let women get higher education and become scientists, doctors, and engineers, that it is often looked down upon to be a stay at home mom. Somehow in the process of empowering women to ‘be who they want to be’ we have actually degraded them. Since we have the opportunity to go on to be doctors, scientists, and engineers, we are almost expected to strive to be on top. In some ways the world wants women to take on those executive jobs, to prove their equality to men. We need to stop seeing those who choose to be mothers as those that don’t reach their full potential, but rather help people understand that being a stay at home mom by caring and nurturing their children is just as equally important and vital as if they were to take on the job of going to work and providing for the family financially.

As Elder Christofferson, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once said in general conference, “In Blurring feminine and masculine differences, we lose the distinct, complementary gifts of women and men that together produce a greater whole.” In other words we need both male and female to reach our full potential. We were made to better one another through our different roles. Neither one is more important than the other, and as we see each of our roles as important then we are truly equal.

        

The Love of a Parent

All good parents want what is best for their children and do what they think is in their child’s best interest. The ultimate example of this being our Heavenly Father. He gives us commandments to help us learn, grow, and become like Him so that we can return to live with Him after this life. Many people struggle with His commandments because they may seem restrictive, or hard, but in the end our Heavenly Father knows us best, and those commandments were given out of love to protect us from unnecessary harm.

            There are many other examples of parents who make sacrifices to have their children’s lives be the best that they can be. An example from the scriptures is Lehi leading his family into the wilderness to get to the promised land. Lehi was leading his family away from destruction because he knew that the promised land would keep them safe so that his family could prosper. In our day, many parents are trying to lead their family to another land to give their children better opportunities. They are trying to lead their families to a new location so that they can receive a better education, climb the social ladder, and just have a better life in general. But how can these challenges affect the family as a whole? What challenges does that family face as they leave what they know to go to another area, or even another country?

            There are many families in today’s world that are trying to leave their countries and come to the United States, but what they may not plan for is all the changes their family will go through in the process. When Lehi’s family left Jerusalem, his family, specifically his children, had a very hard time. Laman and Lemuel had a very hard time adjusting from living in a home with an inheritance, to a tent in the wilderness with nothing to their name. Just like Lehi’s family, many who try and make the journey to a better life in America, often have to leave everything that they have behind. Many of the fathers had good paying jobs where they could provide for their families. The mothers were able to stay home and provide love and support to their husband and children. What they don’t realize, is that in making the change for their children to be ahead in life, many of the family roles change.

There are so many families in Mexico that decide they are going to make the journey to America. They want their kids to be able to get an education and learn English so that they can return to Mexico and be able to receive much higher paying jobs due to being bilingual. They take the journey for a better life, but in most cases the whole family doesn’t all come at the same time. Many fathers leave first to set things up for their families but find themselves in very low paying jobs. While trying to earn the money to bring their family to where they are, the family structure itself is already changing. First of all, the father isn’t a part of their lives as much as they used to be, and with the father not making very much money, the mother turns to working as well. Where does this leave the kids? The relationships they once had with their families start to deteriorate. They aren’t able to have those strong family ties because neither the father nor the mother is in the home to help strengthen and encourage them.

Once the father has finally earned enough money to bring his family to where he is, it has often been many years. The children in these families go through so much. When they are able to be reunited, they have to rebuild family ties and learn how to adjust to a new culture. They miss their friends and family back home and now struggle with school because it is in a language they don’t understand. In this new culture they have to learn how people expect them to act, and during all of this, try and make new friends. In addition, they still don’t have a family to go back to, because both of their parents are out of the home working to provide for their family. 

With all of these costs it almost seems too high to be worth it. But just like Lehi, they often do this because they feel it is best for their family. In the end, their children often do get a better education, higher paying jobs, and are able to move up in the world to be able to have a better life. To these parents, their sacrifice of leaving what they know behind is totally worth it!