Communication

Communicating with others is a vital skill to have, and something we all need to improve. It isn’t something that we master as soon as we can speak, but rather something we need to be working on continually. In marriage, communication is especially important in order to have a strong relationship. We may think that we are being clear in our communicating, but others might not think we are, so how so we best communicate?

First, it is important to understand the three media of communication. The main one that we all think of is through our words, but this only accounts for 14% of understanding what is being communicated. We have all received, or even sent, a message which was taken other than how it was intended. This most likely occurs because our words are just words, they don’t have the other two media of communication to help the receiver understand our message.

 The next way is through our tone. This accounts for 35% of our intended message. This accounts for more than our words, because based on the tone we use, our message could even be the opposite of what our words are saying. Instead of using our words we often use the tone in our voice to portray our actual meaning.

The third media of communication is nonverbal. This accounts for 51% of the communication. We all know that look our parents give us to tell us not to do something. . .  that is an example of nonverbal communication. It is amazing how much we can pick up about a person based on their nonverbal communication. We are able to recognize if they are angry, sad, embarrassed, confused, and much more just by the looks they give.

All three of these ways of communicating help us to understand what people are saying to us. The tone in someone’s voice will override the message we receive based solely on words and the nonverbal cues will override the message we get from the tone that was used. An example of this is the famous “I'm fine.” If we took the message only as words, then we would assume that the person doesn’t have anything going on that they are troubled with. But if they said it with a tone of sarcasm, then we would pick up that they are actually not fine. Taking that a step further, if they were to use their nonverbal cues by putting their head down, or even frowning, then we would be able to pick up that they have something bothering them or making them sad. With each added form of communicating we were able to better understand what the person was really saying.

So how do we best communicate with others? Listening is one of the most important factors in communication. If we aren’t listening to what the other person has to say, then we can end up causing more problems. Arguments can become especially harsh very quickly if we aren’t careful, but if treated the right way, we are able to strengthen our understanding. In those situations, we need to first find truth in what the other person is saying. This can be agreeing that you did something wrong, but it can also be a simple thing like agreeing that the situation at hand is hard for them. The next thing is to summarize what the other person is saying and to acknowledge how the person is feeling, in order to show them that you are hearing them. After all, we all like to feel like we are being heard. After you have done this, you ask a question to better understand their stance instead of assuming everything.

After you have taken the steps to better understand the other person, you can help them better understand your side. You do this through an “I feel . . .” statement.  “When you (situation/event), I feel (emotion), because (your thought.)” You then end with something you would like to come from this understanding. “I would like (your want/wish/hope).” After all of this you need to make sure you are showing respect, care, or even warmth for the other person.

As we practice recognizing the forms of communication people use, as well as take the steps of better understanding the other person through our own words and actions, then we will be able to strengthen our relationships and increase our ability to beneficially communicate with those around us!