The Impact of Divorce

There are increasingly more and more couples divorcing in today’s world. There are lots of things that lead to their divorce. Many of these issues could have been resolved if they practiced communication and understanding among other things. In fact, 70% of couples say that they would and could have saved their marriage. Isn’t that crazy? Many people tend to think that divorce is the best option in failing relationships, but a majority of those couples that divorce end up regretting that decision.

Divorce isn’t just the actual act of no longer being with the person you married; it is divided up into six different stations. The first is Emotional Divorce. This is when you are still married, but you aren’t connected emotionally anymore and often feel distant from each other. The next is Legal Divorce. This is the proof or paperwork saying that you are no longer living together and responsible for each other. The third is Economic Divorce. This is when you no longer share your resources with one another, and there is a division of property. The next is Co-parental Divorce. This is the “dividing of children” which includes custody and visitation choices. The fifth one is Community Divorce, which is when they leave friendships or even the physical location in which they live. The last station of divorce is Psychic Divorce. This is when they recognize and accept that their marriage is over. This can take quite a long time for some people.

All of these different stages of divorce can cause so much pain in people’s lives. It doesn’t only affect themselves, it affects their children, other family members and even friends, no matter what decisions are made throughout the divorce.

So, what are some of the affects of divorce? Well, one thing that can be very hurtful is the division of kids. In past years, the kids always went to the mother unless the father could prove that they were unfit to raise the kids. But even though they weren’t allowed to have the kids live with him. We have laws set in place that the father has to provide child support for his kids even though he doesn’t get to see them very often. The amount they have to pay is often so much that they can’t provide for themselves in addition to the money they have to give towards that child support. As a result, the father often has to move farther away from his kids so that he can get a higher paying job just to pay everything.

But all of this doesn’t just affect the fathers, the children also have a hard time when their parents divorce. It is more prevalent today that kids have to be able to live with both parents equally, whether that it every other day, week, or month. Whatever the decision is, the kids aren’t getting the consistency that they need. They get mixed signals of what is expected of them, how they should act, and what is allowed in their homes, because now they don’t have to learn that for one household, but two. In addition to this some kids have to make the painful choice of who to live with. There have been many situations in which the judge will ask the child who they would rather live with. No matter what they choose there will be hurt feelings.

It is because of all of the hurt that divorce causes that I believe that there are very few instances in which we should ever even think of divorce. Marriage is hard so we need to think of it more as a way to work through problems and learn from each other. We need to be able to communicate and work through our problems, because not giving it our best effort to keep our marriages together can become one of our biggest regrets.

Being the Parent's God Would Want Us to Be

Parents want what’s best for their child. So whether you already have children, or are planning on having a children in the future, there are a few things that can help us to be the parents that God would want us to be to His children!

So, what things to we want for our children? A man named Michael Popkin explained this by saying that the purpose of parenting is, “To protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in which they will live.” We protect our children by providing for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. We prepare them by teaching them and helping them along the way, but also by letting them take responsibility for their actions. We all learn the most through our own natural consequences. Along with that, we need to set boundaries as parents and follow through with consequences. When parents do this, their children don’t benefit at all. Rather, if we do follow through with our consequences, then they learn to take responsibility and are taught to do well in society, survive, as well as thrive in the society they live in.

Surviving is to simply get by, but we don’t want them to only survive, we want them to thrive. This means that they are able to excel and succeed in life. Teaching them how to take responsibility is one way of doing this, but they will also be able to do this if we are a good support system for them, help them realize the amazing things they can do, and push them to try new things and work hard!

We need to realize that if there are certain qualities, we want them to develop, then we need to provide opportunities for them to learn and gain those qualities. We need to be a good example to them, and then let them learn from their own experiences, sometimes alongside their parents. What I mean by this, is if you want your child to be serviceable, then you need to provide opportunities for them to serve. If you want them to be patient, then teach them by not giving in to everything and having them work for things they want. If we want them to be kind and caring, then provide them with opportunities of taking care of someone or something. Those specific opportunities aren’t the only ways to teach those qualities, but if we want to truly prepare our children then we need to be purposeful in the things we want to teach them through the opportunities we provide for them!

One more thing that is important that we do for our children is make sure that they are having physical contact. In many studies with babies, they have found how important touch truly is. In fact, those who were deprived of that touch often were worse off physically and often died. Lack of contact stopped their growth. We need physical touch to survive. The easiest way of giving this contact is through hugs. It not only shows the child that they are loved, but intentional contact helps our children to be able to regulate their own emotions so that they act out less and are happier children. We need to offer it freely as well as teach them to contribute, or initiate it as well, so that they realize the importance of it, but also know what boundaries to set and know what is healthy.

When we truly try to be protect and prepare our children so that they can survive and thrive in the world we live in, then both our children and ourselves will be empowered to take on the challenges we face in this world.

The Importance of Fathers

With women being empowered to be all that they want to be and told to reach their full potential, the roles of father’s are being put on the back burner. But fathers have the amazing opportunity of providing, presiding and protecting and if they do take on those roles, then the family is able to greatly benefit.

Since the beginning of time, fathers took on these roles to the fullest. They took great pride in being able to provide for their families, but now women think that they need to be a provider as well to feel worthwhile and of the same importance. Men, in return, often take a step back and let the women provide as well. But in studies done on the average family’s finances, having the mother work didn’t give the desired outcome.

In the study they found that the woman didn’t end up contributing to the overall yearly income. Now this isn’t because she wasn’t working hard, or because she had a bad paying job, but it was because it cost more to have her work than to have her stay home and be able to raise her children. It seems a little crazy that this would happen, so what are the reasons for this?

The first reason is because of childcare. Without the mother staying home to watch the kids, they had to find someone else to do so, which meant paying someone else. So, in the process of earning money, they are already taking a huge chunk out of the paycheck to pay someone else for watching the children. The next reason is because of transportation. Now they aren’t just paying more for gas because of additional travel, but they need to get a second vehicle so they can both get to work. The last reason is because of the need to have certain clothes specifically for work. Many jobs have certain clothing expectations, so now she needs to spend more money so that she is in proper business attire. After looking into all of the costs, it was found that they ended up being payed only $1 an hour for a job that was taking her away from her family.

Now I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t find that worth it in any sense. I want to be a stay at home mom someday, and not being home with my kids so that we could have more income brought in, to then find out I was hurting the family more than I realized would be devastating. It is after this that I have an even greater desire for someone to be the provider for our family so that I can have the opportunity to stay home with the kids.

A note that needs to be taken however, is that those roles shouldn’t be completely separate. Just because the father is often the provider, that doesn’t mean that he is the only one that makes decisions over the finances, and just because the mother often stays home with the kids doesn’t mean that the father isn’t involved with the children. We may have separate roles, but we need to work together.

The father does so much good when he is involved with his family. In kids, it is the father that teaches them how to regulate their emotions, and that continues throughout their lives. It is even found that when the father is present in the home, teenage girls are less likely to get into bad relationships and become pregnant. So, we need to put our focus on strengthening families, and as we do, we will all be empowered!

Communication

Communicating with others is a vital skill to have, and something we all need to improve. It isn’t something that we master as soon as we can speak, but rather something we need to be working on continually. In marriage, communication is especially important in order to have a strong relationship. We may think that we are being clear in our communicating, but others might not think we are, so how so we best communicate?

First, it is important to understand the three media of communication. The main one that we all think of is through our words, but this only accounts for 14% of understanding what is being communicated. We have all received, or even sent, a message which was taken other than how it was intended. This most likely occurs because our words are just words, they don’t have the other two media of communication to help the receiver understand our message.

 The next way is through our tone. This accounts for 35% of our intended message. This accounts for more than our words, because based on the tone we use, our message could even be the opposite of what our words are saying. Instead of using our words we often use the tone in our voice to portray our actual meaning.

The third media of communication is nonverbal. This accounts for 51% of the communication. We all know that look our parents give us to tell us not to do something. . .  that is an example of nonverbal communication. It is amazing how much we can pick up about a person based on their nonverbal communication. We are able to recognize if they are angry, sad, embarrassed, confused, and much more just by the looks they give.

All three of these ways of communicating help us to understand what people are saying to us. The tone in someone’s voice will override the message we receive based solely on words and the nonverbal cues will override the message we get from the tone that was used. An example of this is the famous “I'm fine.” If we took the message only as words, then we would assume that the person doesn’t have anything going on that they are troubled with. But if they said it with a tone of sarcasm, then we would pick up that they are actually not fine. Taking that a step further, if they were to use their nonverbal cues by putting their head down, or even frowning, then we would be able to pick up that they have something bothering them or making them sad. With each added form of communicating we were able to better understand what the person was really saying.

So how do we best communicate with others? Listening is one of the most important factors in communication. If we aren’t listening to what the other person has to say, then we can end up causing more problems. Arguments can become especially harsh very quickly if we aren’t careful, but if treated the right way, we are able to strengthen our understanding. In those situations, we need to first find truth in what the other person is saying. This can be agreeing that you did something wrong, but it can also be a simple thing like agreeing that the situation at hand is hard for them. The next thing is to summarize what the other person is saying and to acknowledge how the person is feeling, in order to show them that you are hearing them. After all, we all like to feel like we are being heard. After you have done this, you ask a question to better understand their stance instead of assuming everything.

After you have taken the steps to better understand the other person, you can help them better understand your side. You do this through an “I feel . . .” statement.  “When you (situation/event), I feel (emotion), because (your thought.)” You then end with something you would like to come from this understanding. “I would like (your want/wish/hope).” After all of this you need to make sure you are showing respect, care, or even warmth for the other person.

As we practice recognizing the forms of communication people use, as well as take the steps of better understanding the other person through our own words and actions, then we will be able to strengthen our relationships and increase our ability to beneficially communicate with those around us!

Dealing with Stress

Everyone experiences stress. Like me right now. At the moment I am trusting my friend to do my hair using straws. Yes straws to make my hair curly, but since my hair is so short, it will be an afro. But it’s fine, because what’s life without a little adventure, right?!? All joking aside, stress can either make or break you. As college students we often face stress every day. From paying for school, housing, managing our time, getting good grades, and on top of that we are told that we need to have social life so we can find the one we’re supposed to marry. But no pressure. Once we do get married and have families of our own, that stress only increases, now instead of providing only for yourself, you have to provide for your new family as well.

So why do we have stress? Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, so surely, he doesn’t want us to experience this right? Well even though it is hard for us in the moment our life is for the better because of it. Imagine if you never did anything hard, if you didn’t have to work a little harder for something. Our learning would be stagnant. We wouldn’t progress. Just like we are taught in the scriptures, we would know no joy because we would know no misery.

Coping is the way that we deal with stress in our lives. It is when we take the opportunity to learn and grow. When you cope with stress as a family then you can actually become stronger and closer together because of it. However, our instinct isn’t always to keep moving forward. Instead we try to avoid the problem till it’s over, which it never really will. We often shut down and try not to think about it. This is often when depression comes into play.

We have all, in some way or another, experienced a little bit of depression. The three biggest things that we tell ourselves if we are depressed is; 1, no one loves me. 2, Life is horrible. 3, Nothing is going to change. Satan knows how to tear us down. He tells us those lives. He tells us we aren’t good enough, that no one cares for us, and that we will always be stuck with that seemingly horrible life. But what if we could change that?

First think of a stressful even that you have had in your life, and then think of a specific time that you were weighed down by that event. Now think of the emotions that you had in that specific moment. Did you feel sad, angry, worthless, upset, hurt, frustrated, anxious, etc.? Now think of what you were telling yourself in that time. Were you telling yourself that you aren’t good enough, that you are a horrible person, etc.? We often have so many thoughts running through our heads that we don’t realize all of the lies that we are telling ourselves. Next, give each statement a percentage on how much you believe that to be true. Now ask yourself a few questions such as: What would you say to a friend with those thoughts? What alternatives might there be? What is the evidence against this view? And, how would you see this if you were not depressed? After you have answered one or more of those questions to each of your previous thoughts, give each answer a percentage on how much you believe the alternative.

Often times these steps help us put our feelings and thoughts into perspective. It can give us hope to keep moving forward, and the opportunity to prevent those thoughts in the future because we now recognize them as the lies, they are. The last step that you take in this little quiz is to then rate how much you believe your original thoughts. Often times we don’t feel the previous emotions as strongly and we are better able to move forward. So when dealing with stress in your life, just remember that you will be able to work through it, and as you do, you will actually be able to become a better, stronger person because of it!

Infidelity and How to Prevent it in Your Marriage

When people think of infidelity, they often think that it only happens if you are having sexual relations with someone other than your spouse, but that isn’t true. In fact there are four different types of infidelity, and better knowing what they are can help you with your current or future relationships.

            The main one that everyone thinks about when they hear infidelity is Sexual Affair. This is when they are sexually involved with a partner other than their own spouse. People often think that this just happens when one spouse doesn’t feel like they are getting the attention from the other that they would like, but that isn’t necessarily true. Satan is very real and powerful, and as we are taught in the scriptures, he knows that the best way to get us to do wrong is by getting us to do small insignificant acts which will later lead to the bigger wrong. If we apply this to infidelity, then we can recognize that there are often many different acts, often other types of affairs, that lead to Sexual ones.

            The second type of infidelity that I am going to talk about is Emotional Infidelity. Emotional/ Fantasy Infidelity can happen in many different ways. Overall it is fantasizing another life with someone other than your spouse, real or fictional. You might be just as shocked as I was to read the tail end of that sentence, so let me explain. If you are a girl like me that loves to read a good, (clean), romance, then you have maybe thought about how you wish you could find someone like that character you are reading about. This doesn’t seem like it would be harmful, but it can be. When you think too much about the good qualities of another person, even if they are a fictional character, then you tend to create unrealistic expectations for your spouse to be like.

Another big way for Emotional/ Fantasy Infidelity to happen is through social media. In today’s age we think that we need to stay caught up in the lives of everyone we ever knew, but this can be a dangerous game. If you are finding excuses to spend more time with someone either face to face, or over text, then you are having an emotional affair. This is because when you do this you are confiding in someone other than your spouse, which will lead to a break in your oneness as a couple. In a world where it so easy to just send someone a quick text, we need to make sure we are conscious about how much time we are spending with someone other than our spouse.

            The third type is Visual Affair. This is when you are participating in any form of Pornography. This includes actual images found on the internet, magazine, or movie, as well as any song or book that arouses sexual feelings. Many people believe that it is okay to flirt a little with people other than their spouse, but it is not. You are breaking down boundaries when you do so and making it easier to take the next step that Satan would have you take.

The last one is Romantic Affair. This is when they tr y to leave the monotony of everyday life by basically creating a ‘second’ one. People do this when they try and change what goes on in their life without really changing it at all and instead just avoiding what goes on in your day to day life, but even though it appears to be fun or exciting, that it actually leaves you feeling more disappointment in their life.

            Many believe that we are safe from infidelity as long as we are devoted to our spouses, but that isn’t true. If we don’t take precautions, then it could happen to anybody. So what can we do to prevent it? Most of the things are very simple, such as making sure you don’t ride alone with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse., not finding excuses to spend time with someone other than your spouse, and not sharing intimate conversation with someone other than your spouse, which will help you stay away from emotional attachment. Be careful about the things you watch, read and even listen to, and as you do, you will be able to have a strong, healthy, and fulfilling marriage!

Keeping Your Marriage Strong Through Hard Times

Everyone at least knows someone who has gotten divorced, but most know many and even have someone close to them that has been divorced. There are many things that happen in marriage that can cause contention, but the good news is that many of them can have positive outcomes instead of negative ones. In studies with married couples, it was found that the couple rates very high in marital satisfaction, and then an event causes that satisfaction to go down. What might that event be? Having their first child. Now wait don’t think that you don’t need to read any further because you can prevent that from simply not having kids at all.

Not only are we commanded to have kids, but if we choose to have kids then we are truly making the world a better place. This is because kids born in healthy home environments are better neighbors, spouses, and coworkers. They even help in the workplace, because when there are more young people in the workplace then we are better able to pay for the older generation, and they will be able to retire more easily. Now that we have established that having kids is a good thing to do, lets discuss why that satisfaction goes down, and how we can keep our marital satisfaction high even with having kids.

Like I said, after the first child is born, it has been statistically proven that the marital satisfaction goes down after their first child is born. After a time that satisfaction levels out, but then goes down and then levels out again with each additional child. Their marital satisfaction seems to be leveled off after their last child, and then goes up and then levels off as each child leaves the home. Here is an image to help you visualize!

So why does the child cause the satisfaction to go down? Well to start off, a child is a lot of work. All of a sudden both the mother and the father have a lot more work to take on, and if they couple isn’t careful then they tend to compare workloads and complain about the other not doing enough. With the new child the mother tends to show her love to the baby more than the husband, so he feels left out, and out of place.

But don’t worry, since we know what things can cause the marital satisfaction to go down with each child, we can know what to do to make it go up rather than down. The first thing that wives can do, is to keep the husband involved in pre-natal and post-natal check-ups. The mother is able to become so close to the child that she is carrying, but the father can too if given the opportunity. One way to do this is letting the father feel the baby kick when you do. Let him bond with child in the same way that you do. Once the baby is born, share the parenting tasks, bad and good. This can helps the father to feel involved! The second thing you can do is to make sure to be careful in how you discuss your concerns and worries. If you do it constructively then you are able to understand each other better. But also make sure that you are letting your spouse know what they are doing good, not just what they are doing wrong. In other words, show gratitude for things you appreciate them contributing. The last thing that I feel is very important to keep your marital satisfaction high, is to take time with each other. Still plan regular dates together so that you can truly let your spouse know your love for them.

By taking these simple steps we are able to change the outcomes of our marriage and become closer together. We don’t have to just accept trends the way they are, but rather if we work towards it, then we can change the trends of marriage for the better!