Being the Parent's God Would Want Us to Be

Parents want what’s best for their child. So whether you already have children, or are planning on having a children in the future, there are a few things that can help us to be the parents that God would want us to be to His children!

So, what things to we want for our children? A man named Michael Popkin explained this by saying that the purpose of parenting is, “To protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in which they will live.” We protect our children by providing for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. We prepare them by teaching them and helping them along the way, but also by letting them take responsibility for their actions. We all learn the most through our own natural consequences. Along with that, we need to set boundaries as parents and follow through with consequences. When parents do this, their children don’t benefit at all. Rather, if we do follow through with our consequences, then they learn to take responsibility and are taught to do well in society, survive, as well as thrive in the society they live in.

Surviving is to simply get by, but we don’t want them to only survive, we want them to thrive. This means that they are able to excel and succeed in life. Teaching them how to take responsibility is one way of doing this, but they will also be able to do this if we are a good support system for them, help them realize the amazing things they can do, and push them to try new things and work hard!

We need to realize that if there are certain qualities, we want them to develop, then we need to provide opportunities for them to learn and gain those qualities. We need to be a good example to them, and then let them learn from their own experiences, sometimes alongside their parents. What I mean by this, is if you want your child to be serviceable, then you need to provide opportunities for them to serve. If you want them to be patient, then teach them by not giving in to everything and having them work for things they want. If we want them to be kind and caring, then provide them with opportunities of taking care of someone or something. Those specific opportunities aren’t the only ways to teach those qualities, but if we want to truly prepare our children then we need to be purposeful in the things we want to teach them through the opportunities we provide for them!

One more thing that is important that we do for our children is make sure that they are having physical contact. In many studies with babies, they have found how important touch truly is. In fact, those who were deprived of that touch often were worse off physically and often died. Lack of contact stopped their growth. We need physical touch to survive. The easiest way of giving this contact is through hugs. It not only shows the child that they are loved, but intentional contact helps our children to be able to regulate their own emotions so that they act out less and are happier children. We need to offer it freely as well as teach them to contribute, or initiate it as well, so that they realize the importance of it, but also know what boundaries to set and know what is healthy.

When we truly try to be protect and prepare our children so that they can survive and thrive in the world we live in, then both our children and ourselves will be empowered to take on the challenges we face in this world.

The Importance of Fathers

With women being empowered to be all that they want to be and told to reach their full potential, the roles of father’s are being put on the back burner. But fathers have the amazing opportunity of providing, presiding and protecting and if they do take on those roles, then the family is able to greatly benefit.

Since the beginning of time, fathers took on these roles to the fullest. They took great pride in being able to provide for their families, but now women think that they need to be a provider as well to feel worthwhile and of the same importance. Men, in return, often take a step back and let the women provide as well. But in studies done on the average family’s finances, having the mother work didn’t give the desired outcome.

In the study they found that the woman didn’t end up contributing to the overall yearly income. Now this isn’t because she wasn’t working hard, or because she had a bad paying job, but it was because it cost more to have her work than to have her stay home and be able to raise her children. It seems a little crazy that this would happen, so what are the reasons for this?

The first reason is because of childcare. Without the mother staying home to watch the kids, they had to find someone else to do so, which meant paying someone else. So, in the process of earning money, they are already taking a huge chunk out of the paycheck to pay someone else for watching the children. The next reason is because of transportation. Now they aren’t just paying more for gas because of additional travel, but they need to get a second vehicle so they can both get to work. The last reason is because of the need to have certain clothes specifically for work. Many jobs have certain clothing expectations, so now she needs to spend more money so that she is in proper business attire. After looking into all of the costs, it was found that they ended up being payed only $1 an hour for a job that was taking her away from her family.

Now I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t find that worth it in any sense. I want to be a stay at home mom someday, and not being home with my kids so that we could have more income brought in, to then find out I was hurting the family more than I realized would be devastating. It is after this that I have an even greater desire for someone to be the provider for our family so that I can have the opportunity to stay home with the kids.

A note that needs to be taken however, is that those roles shouldn’t be completely separate. Just because the father is often the provider, that doesn’t mean that he is the only one that makes decisions over the finances, and just because the mother often stays home with the kids doesn’t mean that the father isn’t involved with the children. We may have separate roles, but we need to work together.

The father does so much good when he is involved with his family. In kids, it is the father that teaches them how to regulate their emotions, and that continues throughout their lives. It is even found that when the father is present in the home, teenage girls are less likely to get into bad relationships and become pregnant. So, we need to put our focus on strengthening families, and as we do, we will all be empowered!

Communication

Communicating with others is a vital skill to have, and something we all need to improve. It isn’t something that we master as soon as we can speak, but rather something we need to be working on continually. In marriage, communication is especially important in order to have a strong relationship. We may think that we are being clear in our communicating, but others might not think we are, so how so we best communicate?

First, it is important to understand the three media of communication. The main one that we all think of is through our words, but this only accounts for 14% of understanding what is being communicated. We have all received, or even sent, a message which was taken other than how it was intended. This most likely occurs because our words are just words, they don’t have the other two media of communication to help the receiver understand our message.

 The next way is through our tone. This accounts for 35% of our intended message. This accounts for more than our words, because based on the tone we use, our message could even be the opposite of what our words are saying. Instead of using our words we often use the tone in our voice to portray our actual meaning.

The third media of communication is nonverbal. This accounts for 51% of the communication. We all know that look our parents give us to tell us not to do something. . .  that is an example of nonverbal communication. It is amazing how much we can pick up about a person based on their nonverbal communication. We are able to recognize if they are angry, sad, embarrassed, confused, and much more just by the looks they give.

All three of these ways of communicating help us to understand what people are saying to us. The tone in someone’s voice will override the message we receive based solely on words and the nonverbal cues will override the message we get from the tone that was used. An example of this is the famous “I'm fine.” If we took the message only as words, then we would assume that the person doesn’t have anything going on that they are troubled with. But if they said it with a tone of sarcasm, then we would pick up that they are actually not fine. Taking that a step further, if they were to use their nonverbal cues by putting their head down, or even frowning, then we would be able to pick up that they have something bothering them or making them sad. With each added form of communicating we were able to better understand what the person was really saying.

So how do we best communicate with others? Listening is one of the most important factors in communication. If we aren’t listening to what the other person has to say, then we can end up causing more problems. Arguments can become especially harsh very quickly if we aren’t careful, but if treated the right way, we are able to strengthen our understanding. In those situations, we need to first find truth in what the other person is saying. This can be agreeing that you did something wrong, but it can also be a simple thing like agreeing that the situation at hand is hard for them. The next thing is to summarize what the other person is saying and to acknowledge how the person is feeling, in order to show them that you are hearing them. After all, we all like to feel like we are being heard. After you have done this, you ask a question to better understand their stance instead of assuming everything.

After you have taken the steps to better understand the other person, you can help them better understand your side. You do this through an “I feel . . .” statement.  “When you (situation/event), I feel (emotion), because (your thought.)” You then end with something you would like to come from this understanding. “I would like (your want/wish/hope).” After all of this you need to make sure you are showing respect, care, or even warmth for the other person.

As we practice recognizing the forms of communication people use, as well as take the steps of better understanding the other person through our own words and actions, then we will be able to strengthen our relationships and increase our ability to beneficially communicate with those around us!

Dealing with Stress

Everyone experiences stress. Like me right now. At the moment I am trusting my friend to do my hair using straws. Yes straws to make my hair curly, but since my hair is so short, it will be an afro. But it’s fine, because what’s life without a little adventure, right?!? All joking aside, stress can either make or break you. As college students we often face stress every day. From paying for school, housing, managing our time, getting good grades, and on top of that we are told that we need to have social life so we can find the one we’re supposed to marry. But no pressure. Once we do get married and have families of our own, that stress only increases, now instead of providing only for yourself, you have to provide for your new family as well.

So why do we have stress? Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, so surely, he doesn’t want us to experience this right? Well even though it is hard for us in the moment our life is for the better because of it. Imagine if you never did anything hard, if you didn’t have to work a little harder for something. Our learning would be stagnant. We wouldn’t progress. Just like we are taught in the scriptures, we would know no joy because we would know no misery.

Coping is the way that we deal with stress in our lives. It is when we take the opportunity to learn and grow. When you cope with stress as a family then you can actually become stronger and closer together because of it. However, our instinct isn’t always to keep moving forward. Instead we try to avoid the problem till it’s over, which it never really will. We often shut down and try not to think about it. This is often when depression comes into play.

We have all, in some way or another, experienced a little bit of depression. The three biggest things that we tell ourselves if we are depressed is; 1, no one loves me. 2, Life is horrible. 3, Nothing is going to change. Satan knows how to tear us down. He tells us those lives. He tells us we aren’t good enough, that no one cares for us, and that we will always be stuck with that seemingly horrible life. But what if we could change that?

First think of a stressful even that you have had in your life, and then think of a specific time that you were weighed down by that event. Now think of the emotions that you had in that specific moment. Did you feel sad, angry, worthless, upset, hurt, frustrated, anxious, etc.? Now think of what you were telling yourself in that time. Were you telling yourself that you aren’t good enough, that you are a horrible person, etc.? We often have so many thoughts running through our heads that we don’t realize all of the lies that we are telling ourselves. Next, give each statement a percentage on how much you believe that to be true. Now ask yourself a few questions such as: What would you say to a friend with those thoughts? What alternatives might there be? What is the evidence against this view? And, how would you see this if you were not depressed? After you have answered one or more of those questions to each of your previous thoughts, give each answer a percentage on how much you believe the alternative.

Often times these steps help us put our feelings and thoughts into perspective. It can give us hope to keep moving forward, and the opportunity to prevent those thoughts in the future because we now recognize them as the lies, they are. The last step that you take in this little quiz is to then rate how much you believe your original thoughts. Often times we don’t feel the previous emotions as strongly and we are better able to move forward. So when dealing with stress in your life, just remember that you will be able to work through it, and as you do, you will actually be able to become a better, stronger person because of it!